WHAT TO DO WHEN PEOPLE PISS YOU OFF
It happens to all of us. Somebody says or does something, and you think “WTF?” There is no way I deserved to be treated that way, spoken to in that tone of voice, or cut off by some random person speeding on the highway. Can you relate?
Before you go hurling a pitchfork at someone, can you take a moment to pause? Of course, people will continue to behave in ways that trigger you, but there is an effective way to reduce how long you stay angry. I learned this approach a few years ago, and it has been life-changing! The more I practice, the better I get at reducing the duration and intensity associated with people ‘pissing me off.’
CREATE A STORY
When someone (or something) triggers a stress response, anger, or annoyance, you may be basing your emotional reaction on incomplete information. Your brain is wired to fill in blanks when this happens - it makes sense…who likes an open loop filled with uncertainty?
The problem is that it happens in a split second, and it is hard to challenge what we think we know to be true.
Let’s continue with the example of someone cutting you off on a highway. Rather than launching into a string of expletives about the person and their driving, can you create a story where their behavior would be acceptable or understandable?
What if they are racing a child to the emergency room? Suppose they are speeding to get to their mother who is on her death bed? If you knew this to be the reason behind their aggressive driving, would it make it okay? We take the actions of others as a personal affront, yet their behavior likely has nothing at all to do with us!
THE MAN ON THE SUBWAY
This is a powerful excerpt from Steven Covey’s classic book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:
“I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.
Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.
The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing. It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt like was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”
Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.”
FAIRYTALE ENDINGS
Hearing or creating a new narrative for a situation won’t provide a fairytale ending. It may, however, help you more quickly transition out of a negative emotional state into a place of understanding or acceptance. Whether on the road, in the subway, at work, or with your family - how might the ability to reframe a situation enable a better experience?
